Sabbatical, a bittersweet experience

Bittersweet - this word best captures my experience of sabbatical. Even though I had dreamed of it for a long time, taking sabbatical was not completely my decision. It was not a step we took voluntarily. It didn’t originate from our great wisdom or preventative insight. Rather, it came highly recommended by our leaders.

We were coming off a 14-year season of beautiful yet challenging ministry. We had become empty nesters, and had also just experienced some significant transitions both in our location and our ministry roles. We were involved in several transitions all at once. And we got exhausted. We realize now that we were on the verge of burnout, although it was hard to admit at that point.

As a recently certified spiritual director, part of a wonderful team focused on spiritual formation, working a lot in member care, and serving in leadership of a mission agency that focuses on the wellbeing of the Christian workers, I felt fake. You probably know the feeling. My heart and mind were not in alignment with my life's pace. I was not living what I believed and even taught. That was bitter.

I had been dreaming about a sabbatical for a while. Since the beginning of my work as a cross cultural missionary I've worked side by side with American friends who from time to time would leave for a “renewal”. I was always curious about it. “Wow! That is so nice! But what about their ministry? What about their supporters? Will their churches respect their time off when they’re back in the US? Will they continue to support them?” For the answer to be “yes” to all the questions above, at least for me, seemed too good to be true.

These same questions suddenly became my own worries as our sabbatical approached. Even more so when we shared our plans for sabbatical with our children, and my son very sincerely asked, “Dad, will your churches keep supporting you during this time?” To reassure him, I said, “Yes, Filipe, they will.” But inside my heart I had doubts.

Since sabbatical is not very common in the Brazilian Christian-ministry mindset, the first bullet point on my to-do list was to talk to each one of the pastors of the churches that support us. My desire was to bring them fully into the transitions we were facing and vulnerably open our hearts to receive their counseling and prayers. I confess I was a bit tense before those meetings. But to my surprise, their reaction was much better than I was expecting. Indeed, to be honest, this has been true my whole missionary career. The biggest hindrances I have faced in support raising have been in my own head! At the end of each call, each one of the pastors (every single one) was super kind and understanding. They shared with me, also with a lot of vulnerability, their own experiences of renewal and how vital it was for them. I remember one who even said, “I would love to have a time like this because I know the importance of it and I can see that I really need it, but unfortunately I can't. But because it's not possible for me, I want you to experience it.” It was sweet!

We were not just blessed by them, but we also were prayed for by their churches. In fact, some of them even sent us extra support! Yes, you heard me right - we were given extra support during our sabbatical. There were both people and churches who gave more than they usually do to cover the extra costs we had during our time in Brazil.

Once again God did immeasurably more than we asked or imagined. He is the Lord of the Harvest and our true leader. Being on the field and living a life that is sometimes quite different from other people, I have had many moments of freaking out when somebody would ask, “What do you do for a living?” (In Romanian culture they go even further and also ask, “How much do you make?”) I remember once answering a travel companion sitting next to me on the plane by saying, “I'm involved in my Father's business!”. And this is exactly what we do! We have such a wonderful, good, perfect, amazing, and generous Father! Sadly, many times we forget this.

I truly believe that when our good Father looks at us, at our bodies and souls, “He knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust” (Psalm 103:14). This passage was so helpful during our sabbatical! Unfortunately, throughout history an image of missionaries as super-heroes has been widely communicated (at least within Brazilian culture).

But guess what? We, the workers, are partly responsible for this. We've been fostering this image, consciously or not. I, at least, can confess that I am guilty of this! It's beautiful to be honored as the guy who believed in the calling of God and left everything behind. As a song very well known in our Brazilian churches says, we are the ones who “said goodbye to our parents, burned our wagons, and sank our boats at the dock” to go to the hard mission field. Although I know that leaving is not easy, I also know that it is only by God's grace and favor we can step forward in obedience. No glory should be ours. Soli Deo Gloria. “For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.” (Romans 11:36).

As you read my words, maybe you are asking yourself: I think I also need a sabbatical! But when should I take it?

First of all, I want to warn you that there's no perfect time to leave for a renewal. You will never find a situation in which you won’t have important things to do, trips to go on, and opportunities to embrace. Life won't simply ease up to allow you to leave for sabbatical. The “perfect time” for it will never come. You’ll need to create the time, either by your own choice or your leader’s decision. The ministry goes on, and will keep going on without you. Remember what I said about our Father's business? It's His business, not ours. And trust me: He's got the whole world in His hands.

Another important tip: When you stop, truly stop! It's important to disconnect. Don't sabotage your time of rest. If you do so, you will be dishonoring those who have stepped into your roles as well as all those who are investing in this precious moment of your life. We need to honor their sacrifice.

Sabbatical is a gift and sometimes we have a hard time accepting gifts. As I was preparing to leave, I remember a spiritual direction session in which during a moment of quiet silence, I had a vision of myself as a little boy holding a small teddy bear in my hands. I was facing my big Father who had one hand behind his back and was extending the other hand and asking me to give him my little toy. Guess what he had behind his back? A HUGE teddy bear. The biggest I have ever seen. He wanted me to exchange mine with his, but at that point I couldn't see what the Father had prepared for me.

As I was processing this vision with my spiritual director, God showed me that the teddy bear represented comfort, joy, and lightness for me - in other words, everything I was craving for in that season. The sabbatical was the moment of the exchange. Praise God for that! Only when I released my own control, my own way of providing for my needs, was I able to receive the Father's gift. What about you? What would the Father want to trade with you in this phase of your life? What's your version of the teddy bear?

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Matthew 11.28-30 (The Message)

Written by: Jorge Carvalho

Sabbatical, a bittersweet experience

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